Why is it that as a recovering alcoholic working a program and a yoga practitioner delving into the life of yoga beyond the poses, I still find it extremely challenging to have compassion for myself? I seem to have a fairly easy time finding compassion for others. I even manage to be compassionate toward inanimate objects like my car, apologizing to it if I slam the trunk too hard or open the door too wide and hit another object. Hell, I am compassionate toward things that could do me or the people and animals I love harm – such as the nasty ticks I pull off my dogs and flush down the toilet routinely ( yes, I find myself feeling sorry for the little blood sucking buggers). Yet still, I remain my biggest critic, opponent, and enemy.
If I consider my position in any given matter and attempt to envision a friend of mine being in my shoes, I know that I would be there as her biggest cheerleader and supporter, telling her how proud I am of her and how amazing she is. Yet, somewhere in my wiring, I was programmed to not think this way about myself. I know I have come a long way in my 7 years of recovery. I’ve done a ton of work, and much soul searching and I’ve made great strides in improving on my self-esteem and self- worth, but there are times when I still struggle and feel as if I am regressing.
Take for example my current situation. Last July, I resigned from my job. After years of struggling to find my place in the career my alcoholic self chose for me – sales, I resigned. This company I worked for and the industry in general was full of deceit, selfishness, and dishonesty, the very qualities I’ve worked so diligently to eliminate from my life as a sober woman. I was constantly at odds with myself, compromising my integrity and morals to succeed in a career I didn’t even like. I made up my mind that all the praying in the world was not changing my situation so this had to be one of those times that God wouldn’t do for me what I could do for myself. I had to show the initiative to face my fear of the unknown and just take the next step on my path. It was clear that this was not the life He would want for me, as I believe wholeheartedly that God wants us to be happy and joyful, and I was spending most nights crying at the end of the day. For months I found myself depressed and anxious to the point where I was not able to be present to my family. It seems like a no brainer, and if it were my friend going through this I would’ve encouraged her everyday to move on, for no job is worth sacrificing your mental health and family life over. I, however, felt so guilty that I waited until I couldn’t take anymore. I guess you could say I hit my bottom in that position and there was no other option. I should mention that during this time, my fiance encouraged me to leave many times. Everytime he would come home and find me crying and I would say I just didn’t know what to do, he would say plain and simply (that is his way), “Tell them to Fuck off!” Aside from being a lietenant in our local fire department, he also owns his own company and therefore doesn’t really have to report to anyone so naturally this would be his response. Yet, even with his support and promises that we would be alright no matter what, I couldn’t leave, until of course I did.
As soon as I gave my notice, I began to see God’s will infiltrate my life. My boss felt as if I had been pushed to the brink and was left with no choice but to resign, so he arranged it so I could still claim unemployment. Then, the school I wanted to attend to become a certified yoga instructor was beginning a session, and was accepted to begin in the fall. Hope returned to my heart as I felt a powerful shift happening in my life and knew that leaving that job was like cutting one of the last ties to my old life as an alcoholic and moving into a new future based on who I really am and what I really want out of life.
The hope was alive for several months as I enjoyed some time off with my fiance and my soon to be step children. I looked for work but didn’t feel too much pressure when nothing turned up right away. I felt that everything would unfold as it should. I began my yoga training to become certified to teach and knew I would need time for studies as well. As months began to pile up and the unemployment check was covering only my bills, leaving me with nothing each week for myself, I began to panic and the feeling of worthlessness began to creep in. I searched for jobs, sent out resumes, even considered a return to sales and nothing came of my attempts. I attempted to find work cleaning houses and even that search was fruitless. By late in the year, I was fortunate to connect with an old friend who I worked with briefly in a position teaching writing for a special program at a local college, a job I LOVED, but left because I was in search of bigger and better things. It turned out he was directing a tutoring center at another college and was in need of a part time writing tutor. It was perfect! I got to make a little more money and get back to my writing which I neglected for all of those years. After all, I went to college to be a writer, not a sales representative!
So here I am, in school starting a new career path, working a part-time job, being super Mom (but only on the weekends, then the kids are gone and that is a whole other challenge), making our house a home, raising a new puppy, dealing with a recurring auto immune disease that literally wipes me out for weeks on end when it resurfaces, oh and did I mention I am engaged and am getting married in less than 2 months! So my point is, I have alot going on, at least it would appear that way as I list it all here, but find me on one of the 3 days I technically don’t have any “work” scheduled and the kids aren’t here and my fiance is off working and I am a self loathing mess. My ego takes the driver’s seat and begins the self talk, “You suck,” “You are a slacker,” “37 and this is all you have to show for yourself?” “You are pathetic.” I’ve learned enough to know that I don’ have to listen to that voice and that IT isn’t ME. It stems from my lower power, my disease, the darkness, the unhealthy self, the place I have learned I need to stay away from. So is it that I am not spiritually sound when these thoughts come up? I pray and meditate every morning and night and throughout the day. I turn my will over often. I do my best to be kind, honest,and caring with others and most of all, I don’t do the one thing that my body was designed to do in times of crisis – drink. That in itself is a challenge and I should be compassionate and proud at the end of each day that I make it to bed sober, but it isn’t enough. Not only that, but 7 years ago, I was in a place so close to death that I am a miracle. In fact, 9 years ago, I technically DID die and was brought back to this world only to continue my decent for two more years. Everyday I have is a gift and I should be grateful for the day alone, everything else is just a bonus. I know this! I also know that if my friend had all of this going on and called herself a slacker, I would be angry. I woudn’t rest until she saw herself in a different light. So, why can’t I do the same for myself? Why can’t I just give myself a break, accept me for what I am and just be? Guess that just needs to remain on the list of “things I need to work on!”
Well, if acceptance of a problem is the key to changing it, I think I’ve nailed that part. I know the issue today and I have the tools to work on it. That is certainly progress and for today I can say I am proud to make progress!