Okay, so it’s not really music, but if it were, it would be something nice and calm and new age-y…something you could meditate, bathe, or drink tea to (or all of the above – my personal preference ), but it is a little background and even right there I’ve already given you a taste of what life is like for me now, sans cocktails. Although, can you really call warm, cheap, bottom of the barrel vodka straight from the bottle a “cocktail?” Probably not. Though there was a time when drinking looked sophisticated and classy, you know like it did on Dallas and Falcon Crest. I remember watching those shows at the age of maybe 9 or 10 with my Mom and seeing the crystal decanters these people drank from and lavish gowns they wore…to breakfast! It all looked so regal. Then of course there was real life and the parties my parents would throw where guests would come dressed up in those fancy clothes and my parents would break out the nice glasses and my sister and I would sneak peaks from the upstairs stairwell and watch as they laughed and blew smoke rings. They all just appeared so…at ease with life. I mean, who wouldn’t want to try that?
So I did…likely I had my first drink stealing sips during some of those parties, but the true and steady drinking, my tumultuous 20-year love affair with booze, began in 6th grade at the sophisticated, mature, and fully blossomed age of 11. From there it was the usual horror story of progression where alcohol called the shots and made most if not all of the major decisions in my life from where I would go to college to the man I would marry.
Sure, the high school and college years had some memorable and fun moments but at what price? At age 30, I was on the verge of death from where alcohol took me, in fact, I did die once and was resuscitated, yet that didn’t stop me from drinking. It did make me realize that I didn’t want to die, before that I really don’t think I cared. Still, in the grips of alcohol, I didn’t have a choice in the matter. In fact, if I DIDN’T drink, I was certain that I WOULD die.
It wasn’t until the drinking stopped giving any relief and I got to the place where both to drink and not to drink meant to die that I was left utterly helpless and desperate to do whatever it took to stop. So, at the age of 31, with the help of a growing fellowship of people just like me who had found a way out, I learned the most important lesson of my whole life – that the inside hole that kept growing and growing my whole life that I tried to fill with alcohol and drugs and men and “stuff” was a hole in my spirit and therefore could only be filled by spirituality – a word I would come to learn was far different than religion, which I wanted nothing to do with.
There is so much more I want to share in the hopes that something in my story will help another person out there who is currently in the grips of this terrible disease or who is heading there, or even someone who can relate to the feelings. I’ve lived through a good deal of shit both in and out of sobriety and I believe that I am meant to share it, openly and honestly so I can use it to help others. Much of it is incredibly personal and private but it is a risk I am willing to take if it means getting even one person to say, “Yeah, that sounds like me, maybe I can get sober and live through this.”
What I hope to convey most of all through this blog is the true miracle that is my ongoing recovery from alcoholism and the amazing journey of sobriety. When I put down the drink, I truly thought life was over – no more fun, no more excitement, good sex, laughter, dancing, flirting, dating, cooking, entertaining…the list goes on…but the truth I found is I never really felt or did any of those things…I drank. The rest was just a cover up. Today, I live and do all of those things and more (except date, because I am engaged, but I dated…oh man, there’s a blog there…good lord!) The day I put down the drink was the first day of the life I was meant to live!
~Steph
lifewithoutcocktails 